Shadow of the Day
by mychemicalbitchbot
Summary: Malec, Jalec and a little bit of something else. After I'm Not Insane, Alec starts to question everything that's been going on. His world suddenly doesn't seem so real. Is it?


**This is a continuation of one of my other one-shots, 'I'm Not Insane', and it's sort of a follow up to rustle your feathers. I was trying to write a chapter of Danger Line and this popped into my head instead. I just wasn't in the mood for having someone not _completely _insane, y'know? **

**Disclaimed. It's Jalec, Malec and the end is a bit of a head spinner. Knock yourselves out, lovelies.  
**

"Magnus… You're real, aren't you?" Alec asks, his voice shaking as he looks at the glittery warlock. "They keep saying you're not real, that demons aren't real… They're just stupid mundies, aren't they? A-aren't they? You're not lying to me, are you? Jace… He's my _parabatai… _He wouldn't lie to me. You wouldn't lie to me… Would you?"

There's a tear running down his cheek as he looks at his boyfriend, the warlock blurring in and out of his sight. He _wants_ Magnus to be real, he wants it so much… He doesn't want to be crazy, he doesn't want anything to be wrong besides the fact he's not hunting… He doesn't want Isabelle to be in with him for a delusion that is really a delusion, he wants… He wants so much, he wants to believe, he wants to live hidden away, waiting for the shadowhunters to come get him, waiting for Jace… Jace, who is supposedly his boyfriend. Jace, who doesn't believe in the monsters that may or may not be under his bed. He wants Jace to save him. Maybe the man who saw him isn't Jace. Maybe he's a demon, maybe… But maybe isn't good enough, it's _not good enough. _

Alec doesn't know anything, trust anyone anymore. He's lost sight of Magnus, and Jace is slowly becoming more visible. He can barely see Magnus, he can barely see the warlock he loves… He can't take it. He needs to know, he needs to know why all of this is happening, why there are rips in his perfectly constructed world.

_Constructed. _

Did he construct this world, with Isabelle, and lock them inside it? Did they create their lovers? Is Simon even real, is Magnus? Is Isabelle? The vampire he's never cared deeply about, but Isabelle loves him. Isabelle, who might not even be real. Isabelle, the sister he's always loved, the best sister he could ask for. Is she too good to be true? She has her selfish moments, but everyone does, and she's strong, supportive… She cares about him, is there for him, and he's there for her when she does silly things or needs to cry. She has to be real. Doesn't she?

Magnus is talking, trying to say something but he can't. He can't speak, though his mouth is moving no sounds are coming out, and Alec's crying further blurring his vision. Magnus isn't real, is he? Is he just a part of Alec's brain, a horribly wrong chemical imbalance sided with a side of schizophrenia? What is he now, now that he's living between two realities and doesn't know which one's real.

Magnus steps forward to him, trying to be comforting, but all Alec can think about is how he might not be real. He screams, a real and scared scream, his back pressed against the cream walls as he curls into a ball, his hands wrapping around his knees as he wishes everything to make sense. He just wishes for everything he can't have, that there wouldn't be a fog in his mind. He wants it gone, and he lashes out as strong hands try and hold him down, his vision tinting with black as he yells out, more with frustration than anything. He just wants everything to make sense.

Alec wakes up to a white popcorned ceiling, and he doesn't sit up as he looks ahead of him, his face undoubtedly impassive. He doesn't want to think, and he's thankful that his mind is being sluggish, and he wants it to stay that way. No, that's not it. He doesn't want to think at all, he doesn't want to have to sort out his delusions. He wants his insanity to be simple, clear… It's not, it really isn't.

Alec slowly sits up, and sees Magnus sitting on the foot of his bed, Ms. Johnson in a soft red chair a few feet away. His shrink, the one who can tell him what's real. But he can't talk to her with Magnus here, he never talks to anyone but Isabelle or Simon with Magnus around. He doesn't answer if they ask him questions, and he's never liked that they ignore Magnus. Magnus doesn't talk to them, he pretends they aren't there. He says that if he doesn't exist in their minds it's not his fault. Alec, at the time, just assumed that the orderlies and doctors just didn't like Magnus's gay, but now… Alec wonders.

"Magnus… Will you leave us alone for a minute?" Alec asks slowly, talking to Magnus in front of someone he's certain is real for the first time since…. Sine… he can't remember when.

Magnus frowns but nods, quickly giving Alec a kiss before leaving the room.

"Do you still see Magnus a lot?" Ms. Johnson asks, and Alec nods.

"Yeah… I do." He says slowly, looking at his hands.

"Alec… Do you want to tell me about last night?"

Alec sighs, lifting his eyes to look at the cross-legged woman. She's pretty, with thin, crossed legs, a sort of grey suit with a skirt, whatever those things are called, her soft brown hair pulled back behind her ears, her bangs just below the eyebrow and parting to the right side of her face. It's better to focus on her than himself and his slow thoughts, isn't it?

"I… I couldn't hear Magnus. He.. He was speaking, but he was so blurry, and I couldn't hear him, and he tried to touch me and… And I couldn't tell if he was real. I didn't know, I just don't know anymore. Jace… He came to visit me, and ever since then I've just… I just don't know. He's supposed to be my best friend, the guy I've convinced myself that I'm in love with because he'll never love me back. But… he says he's my boyfriend. I just… I don't know. Is anyone real? Isabelle? Simon? I want to know, I want to know everything… but I'm scared to. I'm so, so scared." Alec says slowly, feeling stupid for saying it out loud. Like he's cheating on Magnus. Like he's guilty, like he did something wrong.

She nods. "You're confused. That's understandable. I can… tell you about it, if you want. About Jace, about everything…"

Alec nods. "Can you… just tell me about Jace first? He's what screwed me up so bad to begin with."

"Jace, or Jonothan Wayland, has been your boyfriend for the past four years, since you were twenty two and he was twenty one. He's been with you, coming for visits every so often, and you always forget about them afterwards. He's stayed with you over the year and a half you've been here," She pauses as a tear leaks down Alec's cheek.

His thoughts swirl with Jace, of pictures he's never seen, playbacks he doesn't know as they play in front of his eyes. He listens as Ms. Johnson talks, but he only half pays attention as images of happiness are flung to the front of his eyes, Jace pushing him on a swing, Jace and him laughing over a bad joke as they split an ice-cream like, it's like a chick flick, and sometimes images of fights pas over his eyes, taking away the fairytale of it, but there are more good times than bad.

"… You lived together, you were planning on getting married, or domestic partnership. He still has the ring he gave you, he wears it. You two…"

Alec's mind fills with memories of happiness, of the simple proposal that Jace had recorded and placed as the last song on a mix CD he made, the question popped, and how Alec always kept the Cd close to him. He had it on him when… Then everything blurs, it's all gone.

"Jace and you were in love."

The man with blue eyes blinks. "Who's Jace?"

The woman across from him looks a bit startled, and the dark haired man doesn't understand why she's with him, wherever he is.

"What do you remember?"

The man thinks. "I don't know. Nothing."

The woman bites her lip, frowning. "What's your name?"

The man smiles a crooked grin. "Call me Will."

**End.**


End file.
